I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
