Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
