I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
