So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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