hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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