Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
as a side note pls kill me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
