I just saw a hot homeless man
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I looked at my own cervix.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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