Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
