why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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