Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
