explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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