Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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