Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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