apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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