P.S. I can't hear my feet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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