the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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