i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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