chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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