I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
sarcasm needs its own font
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
