So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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