she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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