i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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