took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
