I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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