Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They took my balls.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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