My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
