Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
