my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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