you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
