Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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