its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
