lets start a swedish sibling band together
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
