I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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