I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
