LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Randomize
