I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
