i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
