well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
