I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
