meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
