Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
