he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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