im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
