I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
