Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
