The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
