I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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