Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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