Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
