So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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