even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
