the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
