just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
