I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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