I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
